To my Jazel

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Hi Baby,

 

I am not sure if I will let you read this tomorrow or wait for you to read this when you get a bit older. Right now, while doing this, I can see you asleep in your bed, you hugging a pillow. Unlike other kids who sleep with their favorite toy, or favorite pillow or blankie. You don’t have any of that. Probably because I didn’t condition you to sleep with your pillow or your fave blanket or stuffed toy. Yet you sleep quite peacefully and with a smile on your face once in a while.

I am writing this to you because today you made me so proud. When I left you this morning, my heart was so heavy. 95% of me wants to stay at home yet that 5% needs to go to the office because I have been absent for days because your brothers got sick.

When I told you last night that I your Ate won’t be home yet, I know a part of you was worried because you know you will be in-charge of your little brothers (even though they’re not so little) and a part of you wants to tell me NO and but you still said YES Mama this morning.

Even though I know my sister-in-law was with you at home, I was still very uneasy when I left. Even though I left enough food for the whole day, with biscuits, oatmeal prepared for you. I feel like crap. (that’s not swearing) I feel rotten. I feel like a bad mom. Your dad didn’t have a choice too. He could have bring you with him to the office yet he can’t because your brother acquired Chicken pox.

And I know it was too much for you to look after your hyper active brothers. Who does nothing but somehow gets in your hair (you can’t deny it, I know you)

Yet you still said YES Mama this morning because at a very young age you understand the value of work for mama and papa. You understand that we barely have money, that we need to pay bills and we need money to sustain our lives.

I could not help but also laugh when you called me in the office (and you knowing my office number by heart makes me so proud too because I know you can call me immediately in times of emergency) You called me in your “pacute” voice yet in panic mode that your little brother JJ had his own “little emergency!” I could hear the panic in it and I know you really despised that moment the most. Yet You also told me Tita can’t help because she went to see her little baby too. 😦 It broke my heart that you have to do that too. Yet you still said Yes Mama, I got this. And you hang up.

I had to call back and you weren’t answering. After a few tries you answered again and said you took care of it all. You and your 6 year old brother took care of it (I am so proud of him too) you both helped your little brother in his “little accident” and it was a success.

You just don’t know how proud I am, knowing that somehow you didn’t leave him or left him crying and took care of it without me there.

But on the other hand, I feel so rotten. I should have stayed with you like I have said on the phone when I called you at lunch again asking if you ate already and still you said Yes Mama, you both ate already. I told you to just leave the dishes on the sink and I’ll take care of it. And you said yes, and told me you will now bring your brothers to the room and continue to make some drawings. You make so proud.

 

When I called you again past 3pm, you told me your brothers are asleep. You have done an amazing job and I am proud of you yet I again feel rotten. This is too much of a responsibility for you 😦

And when I went home, I saw that the house was not as dirty as I expected it to be. Your Tita even said you guys were great, no big fuss at all.

If only I could tell you these things, probably I could but I am not sure if you would understand how I am feeling. Maybe you will because you are mature for your age.

I am thanking you for being my daughter, I don’t deserve you or your brothers. Never once did you complain that you don’t have this toy, or that doll. Never once did you complain that you don’t have a Bratz Doll or a Monster High Doll like your bff’s.  Yes you might have mentioned in passing that you would love to have those yet you would always retract your sentence and tell me and your dad, when we have the money.

I am so sorry if we still don’t have that money, with three kids, it’s hard. Yet you would still obey us, kiss us and tell us you love us. I don’t deserve you yet I know I am still up, alive, fighting because of you. Because you are still smiling even though Mama opens your eyes to “big responsibilities”.

I am praying that somehow, someday I would deserve you.

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