Category Archives: inspirations

On a serious note

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It is the 17th day now. When this all started, I was full of strong emotions – good and bad. And that was one reason why I didn’t write anything because I am afraid it might be too much and I might regret the words I’ll utter.

Now – what do I feel? The only thing I am feeling right now is EXHAUSTION. This is normal I guess. It is that time when I guess I reached my plateaus point.

For 17 days now, I heard so much explosion – from guns, to mortars, to whatever explosive device they used. Too much to last me for a lifetime.

When it started it felt surreal. It felt like out of a movie, soldiers running everywhere with their guns, big humvees, war vehicles in my city, it feels like a nightmare. The city where I used to feel nothing but security. Yes! Before, when friends from Manila or Davao would say Zamboanga is dangerous – the land of bombs! I would just laugh it off and say, no it isn’t, most of those fights before happen in the outskirts, in Basilan or Lamitan.

But now? I don’t think I could even deny it. Everyone must have heard of what is happening here in my city. It is on national news, people are seeing the bad side of it 😦 which is so sad because before no one even dared to take a look at our beautiful city.

But it is still home for me, the thought of living in another city where it will be more peaceful came into our minds. Me and my hubby talked about it…but I don’t know when.

A big part of me doesn’t want to leave this place – this place where I grew up. The place where I could even walk blindfold and I won’t get lost! lol.

I stopped reading the newspaper, I stopped reading facebook posts, I stopped looking at news on TV. why? They sensationalize things. Some would say it is the government’s fault. Some would lash out on the MNLF, some would even hurl harsh comments on the soldiers… it is getting crazy.

All I can say is, we are all human – with this happening, humanity is lost. People from the MNLF side died – meaning they, somehow have loved one grieving too, kids left orphaned and same with the side of the Army, the Marines. NO WINNER and the pain will be endless, the pain will be there and sad to say there will still be someone who will hold grudges and this will never stop. 😦

but somehow i am hoping it will. that someone one or two will initiate to forgive and somehow probably forget – but maybe not forget because it will serve as a reminder how once humanity is being massacred, how humanity was lost…. but will it ever happen? the forgiveness? 😦 i don’t think so as long as there will be persons who will hold grudges, who will feel deprived, feel lost, feel like they have been blindsided…

All i want right now is for my city, Zamboanga to stand up, to hold on to that little bit of hope left now, and somehow Mi Ciudad de Zamboanga, will be stronger and still prosper.

 

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To my Jazel

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Hi Baby,

 

I am not sure if I will let you read this tomorrow or wait for you to read this when you get a bit older. Right now, while doing this, I can see you asleep in your bed, you hugging a pillow. Unlike other kids who sleep with their favorite toy, or favorite pillow or blankie. You don’t have any of that. Probably because I didn’t condition you to sleep with your pillow or your fave blanket or stuffed toy. Yet you sleep quite peacefully and with a smile on your face once in a while.

I am writing this to you because today you made me so proud. When I left you this morning, my heart was so heavy. 95% of me wants to stay at home yet that 5% needs to go to the office because I have been absent for days because your brothers got sick.

When I told you last night that I your Ate won’t be home yet, I know a part of you was worried because you know you will be in-charge of your little brothers (even though they’re not so little) and a part of you wants to tell me NO and but you still said YES Mama this morning.

Even though I know my sister-in-law was with you at home, I was still very uneasy when I left. Even though I left enough food for the whole day, with biscuits, oatmeal prepared for you. I feel like crap. (that’s not swearing) I feel rotten. I feel like a bad mom. Your dad didn’t have a choice too. He could have bring you with him to the office yet he can’t because your brother acquired Chicken pox.

And I know it was too much for you to look after your hyper active brothers. Who does nothing but somehow gets in your hair (you can’t deny it, I know you)

Yet you still said YES Mama this morning because at a very young age you understand the value of work for mama and papa. You understand that we barely have money, that we need to pay bills and we need money to sustain our lives.

I could not help but also laugh when you called me in the office (and you knowing my office number by heart makes me so proud too because I know you can call me immediately in times of emergency) You called me in your “pacute” voice yet in panic mode that your little brother JJ had his own “little emergency!” I could hear the panic in it and I know you really despised that moment the most. Yet You also told me Tita can’t help because she went to see her little baby too. 😦 It broke my heart that you have to do that too. Yet you still said Yes Mama, I got this. And you hang up.

I had to call back and you weren’t answering. After a few tries you answered again and said you took care of it all. You and your 6 year old brother took care of it (I am so proud of him too) you both helped your little brother in his “little accident” and it was a success.

You just don’t know how proud I am, knowing that somehow you didn’t leave him or left him crying and took care of it without me there.

But on the other hand, I feel so rotten. I should have stayed with you like I have said on the phone when I called you at lunch again asking if you ate already and still you said Yes Mama, you both ate already. I told you to just leave the dishes on the sink and I’ll take care of it. And you said yes, and told me you will now bring your brothers to the room and continue to make some drawings. You make so proud.

 

When I called you again past 3pm, you told me your brothers are asleep. You have done an amazing job and I am proud of you yet I again feel rotten. This is too much of a responsibility for you 😦

And when I went home, I saw that the house was not as dirty as I expected it to be. Your Tita even said you guys were great, no big fuss at all.

If only I could tell you these things, probably I could but I am not sure if you would understand how I am feeling. Maybe you will because you are mature for your age.

I am thanking you for being my daughter, I don’t deserve you or your brothers. Never once did you complain that you don’t have this toy, or that doll. Never once did you complain that you don’t have a Bratz Doll or a Monster High Doll like your bff’s. Β Yes you might have mentioned in passing that you would love to have those yet you would always retract your sentence and tell me and your dad, when we have the money.

I am so sorry if we still don’t have that money, with three kids, it’s hard. Yet you would still obey us, kiss us and tell us you love us. I don’t deserve you yet I know I am still up, alive, fighting because of you. Because you are still smiling even though Mama opens your eyes to “big responsibilities”.

I am praying that somehow, someday I would deserve you.

I don’t deserve them

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Yes. Right now I feel like I don’t deserve these three kids in this picture. My little girl is soon to be 9 on October, my sons are 6 and 3 years old. This picture was taken last week when they had a school program.

It was a crazy week for me. I had to rush their costumes, set them up early make up and all- but I wasn’t able to go and watch them dance 😦 I feel rotten but somehow I know they understand. I need to be at work.

Wednesday came and this little boy got sick 😦

jj

This is my youngest, Jhon Javen, we call him JJ. I was surprised because i found blisters all over his body and the doctor said it was due to chicken pox. 😦 I know I took them for immunization when they were young, but Doc said it sometimes can still attack their body:(

But he wasn’t in pain, in fact he is still all hyper and jumpy and happy… somehow he probably know how much I get worried when they get sick.

Then Friday came my nanny had to leave us for awhile because her grandfather died!! She will be back tomorrow.

But it was so hard leaving my kids at home. They didn’t have classes this week because of Intramurals and my youngest needs to stay at home, often times my husband would bring them to work. But today he can’t since my son still needs to be kept at home!

I also can’t be absent from work because it’s a Monday! My heart was so heavy this morning when I have to leave them under my sister-in-laws care which is also a bit hard for her because she is taking take care of 3 kids too!

But anyways, I honestly feel like I don’t deserve them. Leaving them at home. 😦 I called them almost every hour today to check on them. I am just glad they were able to handle themselves quite well. Especially my daughter who assumed responsibility. I honestly told her she doesn’t need to since my sister-in-law was there but she end up taking care of my sons and she was even able to put them to sleep and take a nap in the afternoon!

I so feel like I don’t deserve her. See, they aren’t normal “normal” in a sense where they would ask me for toys. In fact they barely have toys. Yet you would not hear them complain AT ALL.

I am just so thankful that God gave me these wonderful kids right now.

I honestly feel like I don’t deserve them. Yet I know God gave them to me as a gift that I wouldn’t take for granted.

a day with the waves

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it’s actually a very lazy day… woke up with the sound of the rain..falling as if it never want to stop…and behold, it was already 10am! We (me and hubby and also my boys) were still in bed. I took a peak and saw my daughter was already up having a glass if milk and a piece of bread! Lol she didn’t even bother waking us up…

It’s been awhile since we overslept.. it felt like 5 in the morning rather than 10 in the morning!!

Then the kids started bugging me that we go and visit the BEACH!! I declined as it was raining..drizzling to be more exact as it died down a bit but the weather feels cold and lazy and i just feel like staying in all day long, my plan for the day. BUT to my dismay my kids went to their dad and told him their plan and he agreed..ughhh but well I have to go along with them rather than be in bed alone lol.

I took a short video of our day at the beach. We actually just stayed for 3 hours as it was raining hard again but it was fun playing in the water while it is drizzling as we are not worried we get burned by the sun as Mr. Sun seems like hiding that day and plans to do it till tomorrow i guess.. (it’s still raining till now!!!)

those are my kids playing πŸ™‚

and it was actually fun playing in the waves.

quite a lovely morning

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Okay. I decided not be upset for today, i mean happiness is a choice right? things do actually suck right now, financially that is. but for once i won’t think of it.

and for some reasons i woke up this morning feeling quite happy. which is weird since my husband is away and when usually he is away i find something missing in my day..

but i woke up today quite feeling light – Thank God for that. there is too much to take in and maybe just now, yes just now it won’t be that bad. usually i rant on my lack of sleep (3 hours per day now since May!!)

but today let’s start our day with a smile! To hell with my empty pockets (or bank account that is:P) to hell with gloomy skies..to hell with people who are so grumpy early in the morning.. it’s time to smile!!! πŸ˜›

Such an inspiration

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God do talk to us at the right time. If we do listen.

Several days now I have been over and under the edge. There were days that my mind would just fly away… i even feel like on a depressive mode. It was just shitty these days. Yeah. Broke. My son got sick. Health bills, medicine bills, doctors bills, school bills.. it just keep piling up and sometimes it just gets into you right?

And yes I have been complaining about it. Just this morning, my youngest want to eat some chocolate and a cake and on a normal not broke day, I would obliged him but today is just not it! He was so persistent that I even got mad at him for just being so…him 😦 I actually felt bad that I had to explain to him our situation. My husband is out of town and needs money too. I couldn’t help but just complain. really.

It was even a lazy day that i didn’t feel like getting up.

Until tonight, I turned on the TV and I saw Nick Vujicic on TV…and he was reading this passage..

The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies. PSALMS 18

 

It’s like a voice telling me that why would i feel that way? when I have the LORD. Nick is a guy who doesn’t have any limbs at all yet he overcome self-pitying, he overcome all of it and now he is an inspiration to thousands of people.

and maybe it is about time for me not to think of my finances or how hard life is.. or how hard things can be because somehow i am lucky. I am lucky i still have a job – jobs even! I am lucky I have three lovely kids and that is one big factor that i should stop complaining!!

And somehow i feel great…

this is one of his videos online..amazing guy. Amazing is the Lord for creating such inspiration, such instrument.